Adjusting

Long day. I felt so majorly tired. I think it was from the lack of calorie intake lately, but Im doing really well. I found out a while ago that there was no fucking scale in the house so I have to get one soon.
Something scary deep down inside tells me that I will have to eat sooner or later, and that means I will gain, no doubt.
:( I've been quite active lately with cleaning, work, and jogging. I noticed the change in myself too, I cant run for as long anymore before my head and vision gets all messed.
These days I'm only consuming water, coffee, little snacks (like a granola bar once a day) energy drinks, and sometimes I even drink milk.
I know that I'm shrinking though, my jeans are always getting baggier. :)
I got hired to a coffee shop, without providing any resume and they didnt require anything like an interview, which is probably because the place is so ghetto, but I love how its really chill. So I was really down with that. Theres only one thing I dont like about the place - the coffee sometimes tastses like shit and its not the machines fault.
I met some really nice people already.
I'm gonna keep working my butt off until I'm content with myself.
Although I'm afraid i will never get to see that day.

I hope everyone is doing great. I'll be sure to checkout your blogs!

The City That Never Sleeps

    Here in New york right now, alone in the familiar apartment. My dads at work and first thing I'm going to do tomorrow morning is try to find a job. He won't be able to support even the two of us with me here, I just know it. He's already living like shit. Theres so many things wrong here, and I have to clean soon.
    I'd like to work in a cafe, preferrably. I love the smell of coffee and that was my old job. This morning I spent my whole day wandering around manhattan but of course I havent seen the whole place yet. Last night I held Kaylie for what could be my last time. She told me she would never forget about me and I felt the same way. I hated leaving her there in pieces but I had to say bye and left quick, because I didn't want to let her to notice I was close to tears. Go ahead and say it, I know I'm so pathetic, dudes aren't supposed to cry.
   I guess its not that bad. Im partially excited to explore and have a new life but Im also really wondering how my friends are doing back there. I have a collection of numbers and emails to keep in touch.
  Right now I am always distracted from food. I'm not even hungry and theres a whole lot in my mind. It won't be any time soon that I'll be actually eating :) The weather is colder here too, which means it will burn more calories. I will weigh in this weekend to see how well I've done.
Thanks for supporting me and wishing me luck everyone.

Ughh, I dont know what to think

I have to move to NYC after all. Afer thinking life has been so good for me, it suddenly turned upside down.

 Even after how unreasonable and completely stupid my moms decisions are, Im more sad than angry. I cant believe Im going to be leaving behind everything now and starting off somewhere new and big. My friends Sarah and Michael wants to throw a farewell party for me but i dont want to go through all that trouble and it might get too emotional. I just want to keep in touch with everyone so Im collecting emails and facebooks. This is just lame. I'm not returning ever again... I should atleast be able to visit. When I asked my mother she said "maybe." She's not the type of mom you could talk to and she definately isnt a listener. Like I said, Im more sad than mad. Kind of depressed that my parents are people who make poor decisions in their life and don't go anywhere far.
The most i can do right now is look at the future in an optimistic way and stop looking back. I'll be free there. I might achieve my dreams, meet new people and have alot more, i might be able to keep in touch with my friends and maybe they could visit me and i could visit them soon.

I havent even told Kaylie yet. we'll have to lose everything this soon.. So much for hoping.
Currently in my room, forced to pack. Seriously, FUCK THIS SHIT ):

I've had a long day, excuse me for the negativity. I hope you are all doing well.
Pce, Nate

Set the Mood

Well today I did better than I thought I would :)

I had only a small meal that consisted of carrots, lettuce, and crackers with cheese.
I worked out so much today, I think I over did it. Well I feel fine except my muscles are kinda sore but thats normal. I love feeling the burn, then feeling it pass, then feeling it come back when Im working on my muscles. I think I might be addicted :S
At work today Kaylie and I kept going to the supply closet to make out. I think Margaret (my boss) got suspicous so we kinda stopped and started working harder.
We also talked on the phone afterwards for like 2 hours. I NEVER stayed on the phone for that long in my life. lol
I really hope our strong like will develope into a strong love relationship soon.
Im in a really good mood.
I KNOW we can do this.
You're all fucking amazing. Just sayin.
"Its worse to finish than to start all over, and never let it lie" - Perfect, Hedley
We'll make it together, on this road to perfection. We're not there yet but we wont stop trying.

Pce, Nate

Fell in Love & Failed on Fast

I STILL can't believe this. Yesterday after work I asked Kaylie if she wanted to hang out, the two of us, just to chill and be with eachother and see how it goes. and she said...
yes. I asked when, and she suggested "now" at that moment, so we went out to the beach, sat underneath the night sky and talked. We got to know eachother and even got tired. She fell asleep on my arm, and I fell hard for her. We hung out today too, and i just got home a few hours ago.
 I can't explain in words how great life is going for me right now. Except that...
I broke my fast.
well I was literally being pressured.
By Kaylie.
Ughh I haate to admit this, but it was kinda worth it though.
I guess I'm in love and its messing up my focus. I have to fucking stay on track!!
And so I'm not ready to step on the scale yet... before I work out. Ive been feeling a bit weak lately, probably from the fast. I should probably just eat healthy and work out more, even though I like feeling hungry. I want to be able to move alot without losing my vision or feeling dizzy. Passing out would suuck.
I know if she loved me, and next time i stay determined to not eat, she would understand.
Right now the only big thing Im bothered about is if i get to stay here or not. I was listening to music on my earphones and I just noticed my mother when she was about to leave the house, and she gave me the mean glare. That was cold. Oh well now I am learning to not give up on hope because you never know if life is gonna head the other direction and bless you instead. :)
How are you guys doing?

Sorry for not updating the past two days, that was my excuse. :)
Hope you all reach your goals real soon

How does he look so thin. :/ This pic of him reminds me of myself and my faggyness. loljk

Pce, Nate

Sometimes love, feels like pain, and sometimes I wonder if it's all the same

I really prefer hunger over food. There are some things I like about feeling hungry. When I am empty, time seems to flow by slowly and I could concentrate on things and actually take it in for once. I think its really true that "starvation is fulfilling", and that "colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fibre and pore of the body."
Although this morning I felt so nauseaus so I had some drinkable yogurt thing and a piece of whole wheat bread.
but thats okay I guess, breakfast is fine. I haven't weighed myself yet, I want to wait until the end of the week so hopefully there will be more progress.

So theres this girl named Kaylie. I think shes really hot. She's asian and super thin. She works with me and is the same age but looks alot younger. I haven't known her for long but i think I'm developing a huge ass crush on her. but chances are shes too good for me and we would never work out. Oh well, thats life.

Pce, Nate

My Thinspiration

I am feeling light and good. Chris and I are better than ever and he said hes fine with me not liking him back. I could kinda just tell that hes a little hurt though but i let him know that if I wasnt straight i would date him. Well its sorta true. And we hung out normally today with no awkwardness. Thanks for all your tips people!! Oh and the thing about my mother, I havent seen her all day so its good. And I hope she isnt serious about sending me to NYC.

Andy Six has awesome thinspo pictures to look at. I have a mancrush on this guy, hes fuckin rad and is a chick magnet.

You guys are the fucking BEST. The most encouraging, inspiring, supportive group that I've EVER run into. Thanks so much for all your advice and encouragement without it would be nothing and i would feel all alone. Your my FAVORITE thinspiration. :)

I've been fasting and I've lost 2 lbs. I dont know why im not losing as rapidly anymore. I guess the only thing that made me lose 6 lbs last time was because of vigorous excercising and then weighing not long after... Or maybe the fasting paid off. Anyway im so happy Im still losing and not gaining. Im thankful that Im a dude so i have higher metabolism. Haha please dont hate me.

Your all amazing. Im gonna creep around your blogs now :)

Pce, Nate

Fucksaakes

I am furious at my mother right now..... she wants to send me to live with my dad in nyc but she remembers well what happened last time she did!! She was mad at me because I got in trouble doing drugs then stealing with my friends so she sent me away to new york. When I arrived there and spent one day with my dad, he was missing the next morning and i was left all alone in the apartment, when they found him he was in Vegas! Im surprised he didnt get anybody pregnant or lost all his money gambling there, knowing him...
and this time its only because of one arguement and she wants to send me away. I wish she was not such a bitch telling everybody im anorexic because i told her i dont want to eat because im really not hungry!! I am fine with my energy drinks and water. She tries to force me to eat all the time so we had a fight about it and now she wants to send me away, which is pathetic. Like doing that would make me eat. She's always going to be this unreasonable bitch. Well atleast maybe in nyc I will have more freedom to do what i want.
Ugh but thats not the problem.. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE ORANGE COUNTY!!! this was where i was born, grew up, and a part of what i am. I love it here: my friends, the girls, the beach, the parties, my life, everything about this place still makes me feel at home and puts me at awe. I can't believe her!
Annyywaaayy,

 Im really sorry about the outburst!!!!!!!!!
This just hasnt been the best day so far.. I haven't yet cleared up things with Chris yet, but im going to right away. like right after i post this. You guys are all so supportive! i never feel alone anymore.

For Ryssa lol:

Progress:
I am now 120.1 lbs. Was 126 yesterday. Atleast theres something to be fucking happy about. :)
 I got lots of compliments at the party yesterday night. well it was more like "your skinny, you have to eat more." but it made me feel good.
And I hate how everyone just suspects that i dont eat when they think im skinny, not like its untrue, but dont you see how everyone just thinks someone is anorexic just because they are thin?

Well i gtg now! (and call Chris)
Pce, Nate

Thanks Everyone

Okay so today was extremely confusing. Chris, one of my bestfriends told me he was actually bi and had a crush on me. I took it as a joke at first because we sometimes play around like that, calling eachother hot and stuff. Then I noticed he was dead serious and I was creeped out.. i mean I dont have anything against people who arent straight but... It made things awkward as fuck and kind of freaky. I thought I was crashing at his place and we were just gonna hang and play black ops but I guess not... I told him I had some buisness at home and I left. :S I feel bad for that. I know hes not the kind of guy who would do anything to me but its just so hard looking at him in a different way because weve been friends for so long... fuck, I never knew. and i have no idea what to do.

When the afternoon came, I felt like passing out if I didnt eat, so I had a bagel and some grapes before going to work. Now Im feeling really tired but im probably going to do some pushups and crunches anyway.

I want to say I feel very welcomed here :) its true that i am among friends and wonderful kind people here n thank you so much for the awesome comments on my last post. To answer Amy's question,
I've actually always felt this way towards food.. it disgusted me and gradually fatness did too and i do
nt ever wanna become like that. I also love feeling empty. I want to be perfect so BADLYY, so people with perfect bodies triggered it too, I guess. :)
And thanks for the advice, i never knew about the high cals in Monster, I also like rockstar sugar free. :) i love energy drinks too.

Im also addicted to caffiene and coffee. I don't think thats a good thing. Well its probably much better than my old addiction, i used to do drugs all the time and smoke weed. but later on that part of me changed and i rather be 100% pure, no food, and no drugs either. How about u guys? whats your addiction?
Are EDs considered to be an addiction, to feel hungry?

I hope all of you are doing alright, ill be sure to checkout your blogs.

pce, Nate

Hey

 Today is the 3rd day of my liquid fast, going well. I ate nothing and drank water, monster, and water. Water is good.
Well I don't like eating, its nasty and i dont want to be fat. (I am not fat, but I have a fear!) And normally people wouldn't know how i feel. I'm small for a guy, but I want to disappear...
and it makes it so much harder for me because i am a dude. My best friends will never understand and its so hard keeping this secret from them. To them I am sometimes a fag and its because i am sensitive on the inside, and a little different. I'm not anything femine though. They are just fatties.

Feel free to leave any suggestions or comments.. this is my first blog post so go easy on me lol...
I love reading your guys pro ana blogs and Im a decent enough writer so i decided to start my own.
yea get to know me! I'm nice.

Rawr its Natesaurus :)

Pce, Nate